“20 under 20″ Semi-Finalist: Amelia Martin

Twenty

By Amelia Martin, 19
New York

Picture #1

The little boy is wearing the tiniest pair of glasses I've ever seen."  The frames are round and pink."  I didn't know they made glasses for people that small."  The little boy's black hair is cut close to his head on the sides and is full on the top."  He is lying on his stomach on the floor of somewhere indoors with warm lighting."  An apartment?"  He has propped himself up on his elbows and is grinning at the camera."  There is no one else in the picture but him.

"This is your brother," Mom says."  These photos have drifted here over the years.

"I'm confused," I say.

Picture #2

My brother is young again here."  He is wearing the pink glasses, but they don't look as cute on him as in the first picture."  Maybe it's because his face is fat here, too fat for such a small set of frames."  Everything else about him is fat, too."  His big belly sticks out the bottom of his blue shirt."  It's a very expensive shirt, the kind with the little polo sign that I'm not allowed to buy. I bet my brother's stomach was so fat that it would jiggle if he ran or if someone poked it."  There is a woman in the picture who has her arm around my fat brother's shoulders."  She is very, very thin, and she has big spots covering her face."  She has frown lines in between her eyebrows, like someone is pinching her from behind."  She is not smiling.

"Is that her?""  I ask Mom."  "Is that The Other Woman?"

"No honey,"Mom says."  "That is The Woman."  The Other Woman is me."

"What is The Woman's name?""  I ask.

"Why do you care?""  Mom says.

"I don't," I say."  "I just—"

"You just what?""  she says."  "I don't want this to be the beginning of something."  Pandora's Box."

"It isn't!""  I say."  "I just want to know, because "

"Because why?"

"Because now that I know a little, I want to know everything."

Picture #3

My dad is standing in a large body of water with the little boy on his back."  I bet they're standing in an ocean because the waves in the background look tall and wild."  He never took me to an ocean.

The boy is very young again in this photo, maybe even younger than in the first one."  He is gaping at the camera looking confused, maybe even unhappy.

My dad is wearing huge aviator glasses with tinted lenses, and a dark beard covers most of his face."  He looks like the man from our flight whom security led away from the baggage claim.

"My brother doesn't look like me," I say."  "He doesn't and Dad doesn't either."

"Well," Mom says, "that's because you look like me."  Me, and Grandma and Grandpa, thank God."

"Who's more Dad's family?""  I ask."  "You and me or my brother and his mom?"

"You and your brother are both equally Dad's children," Mom says," And your brother's mother is Dad's wife."  But I'm not Dad's family."  I'm extra."

"Extra?""  I say.

"Extra. Superfluous, Unnecessary," Mom says."  "Take your pick."

Picture #4

This one is a wedding photo."  I recognize the bride as The Woman with the spots on her face from the other photo."  There are no sunspots on her face in this photo, though."  Her skin is white and clean and she doesn't look as bony as she did in the other picture."  Her cheekbones stand out, but their prominence suits her face."  She looks almost pretty, although I wouldn't admit this to my mother."  My dad and the bride are standing with their right sides facing the camera, so I can see the many small pearl buttons that trail up the lace back of the bride's dress."  My dad has his arm around the bride's waist."  They look happy, but I know they weren't always.

"I'm sorry you never had a wedding with him," I say to Mom.

"Well," she says, "I wanted to for a while."  I wanted to make a guest list and look at fabric swatches for bridesmaids' dresses."  But I was too young to get married."  I was only 20 when you were born."  And Dad and I raised you together."  So we didn't get married, but we did what married people do."

"I wish I knew my brother," I say.

"That's why I'm telling you all this," says Mom."  "You shouldn't let my complicated history with your dad stop you from getting to know your own brother."  Everyone loves a sister, especially a surprise sister."

"I don't know if I want to, "I say.

"You aren't even a little curious?""  She asks.

"I'm not part of that family," I say."  "I'm just the extra child."  Extra. Superfluous, Unnecessary."  Take your pick."

Picture #5

My dad is asleep in an easy chair."  My brother, sitting on his lap, is also asleep."  A children's book is open upside-down on my Dad's knee."  My brother looks about two here and he is wearing blue, footie pajamas."  Both my brother and my dad's mouths are open and their heads are tilted back."  They look very alike, but neither one looks like me."  I bet lots of people have told my brother that he looks like my dad, but no one has ever told me that, because most people who know me don't know my dad."  I bet they told my dad that he looked like his son as he walked around Central Park, pushing my brother in a stroller, or as he sat with my brother at a café, playing Transformers or coloring in the paper menus with crayons."  I bet that when people told my dad that his son was cute, he never said, "Thank you, I have a daughter and she is cute too.""  I bet that when people said to my dad, "Oh, your wife is so pretty," he never said, "Thank you."  I have Another Woman too, and she is even prettier.""  I bet that, when someone said to my dad, "What a beautiful family you have!""  he never said, "Thank you."  I have another beautiful family too."

"Do they know about us?" I ask Mom."  "Or are we a secret to them just like they were a secret to us?"

"They don't"  know about us," Mom says."  "But I knew about them."  I've known for a while."  I just haven't told you."

"If you knew," I say, "Why didn't you leave Dad?"

"Sometimes," she says, "you love someone and because you love them, you end up doing things their way."  Sometimes you love someone and do things their way, even though you know that's not how it should be done."  And sometimes you have a kid, like I had you, and then that kid becomes a part of this wrong way of doing things."  And then you realize that you've devoted to your whole life to the person you loved when you were 20, and it's been a double life for him and half a life for you."

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