Guidance for Grown-Ups
October 2006
Getting Through Loss and Grief

Getting Through Loss and Grief (link back to feature)

The Answers to Your Questions

The purpose of this activity is to explore teens' unique experience of loss and grief.

1. Ask the teens to read Heather Daniela Rosario's poem, "These Are the Times." What do the teens think happened in the narrator's life to make her write the poem? Could it mark the loss of a parent, a friend, boy/girlfriend or even a pet? What other kinds of losses do teens experience, beyond the death of someone they know? For example, could a teen have a certain idea about herself, or of what her future will be that changes unexpectedly? Can teens experience loss when a family member moves or when someone she doesn't know is hurt or dies?



2. Grief and loss are not easy topics to discuss. They are complicated and unpredictable feelings; it's common to bury grief and express other emotions instead, like anger. Ask the teens to draft a list of the signs they could look for to know if another young person is grieving. Have the students compare their lists to the warning signs created by the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)*:
   
   
   • an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events
   • inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone
   • acting much younger for an extended period
   • excessively imitating the dead person
   • repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person
   • withdrawal from friends, or
   • sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school
   
   
   
   It's important to note that if the teens have either observed or experienced these symptoms firsthand, the AACAP recommends that an adult intervene and help the child seek professional help. As a second step to this exercise, ask each participant to name one person or place a young person could turn to for help. Invite one teen to write all of the suggestions on a board for all group members to see. Here are some suggestions:
   
   
   • School counselors
   • Church groups
   • Private therapists
   • Support groups
   • Grief camps
   
   
   
3. Ask the teens what factors in their lives would influence how they express grief. Here are some questions that could help further explore a situation of grief or loss: Was the loss unexpected or not? Did the teen witness a death? Was the loss a result of violence? What is the teen's support network? Is the teen responsible for the care of younger siblings? Did the loss significantly change the teen's daily habits? Can the teens think of any other questions?



4. Have the students read Lauren Cosby's poem, "Gone." It tells a story of community violence and a young person who loses his life too soon. In it she writes:

   We were saddened by the loss,
   we didn't know why he died.
   But now we all understand,
   God wanted an angel to be there by his side.
   

   Death as a result of violence or something we believe could have or should have been prevented can be particularly hard to understand. This narrator grounds her understanding of the incident in faith. If this young man's death were reported on the news, what explanations might reporters give? What explanation might his parents give? What explanation might the perpetrator give? Are any of those answers right or wrong?


Resources

Article
*American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry's "Facts for Families: Children and Grief," American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Web
The World Religions Project, under the tab "Comparative," offers a grid that compares and contrasts 12 different belief systems. Please note that students may want to pursue additional research to verify what is stated for each religion.

Film
Little Miss Sunshine. USA. 101 mins. (2006) Rated R for language, some sex and drug content. Directed by Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris.
In Little Miss Sunshine, the crazy Hoover family takes an impromptu family road trip so that 7-year-old Olive can compete in a beauty contest. Throughout the journey, the family experiences a series of losses, including a major break-up, failed suicide attempt, a death, a major career rejection, and realization that a lifelong dream of flying cannot be fulfilled. Yet the family manages to hold on by finding comedy in tragedy and togetherness in loss. *Please note: adults are advised to pre-screen all rated R films before showing to children under 17.

Problem Solving: Exploring Options, Giving Advice

The purpose of this activity is to help teens imagine and practice ways to cope with feelings of loss or grief.

1. Has anyone in your group of young people experienced a loss that she is willing to talk about? In an effort to underscore the fact that all feelings of loss are legitimate, ask the group to plan a way to commemorate recent losses together. For example, each member of the group could say a few words then light a candle in honor of her loss. Or each participant could be given a flower, and then each member could place a flower in a vase in the center of the group in honor of her loss, culminating with a shared bouquet in the middle of the circle.



2. One unfortunate consequence of grief is the wish to have done or said something different while we still had the chance. Ask the teens to read Shealyn Minney's poem "Life Lesson." Then give the teens 10-15 minutes to write a poem or a letter to someone they love. Tell them not to worry, it can remain private!

Make a Historical and Global Connection: Changing Options

How people mark the passing of a loved one varies greatly from culture to culture both within the United States and among cultures throughout the world. The purpose of this activity is to become familiar with a few different traditions and to begin to understand why and how those traditions evolved.

1. Ask the teens to research at least three different ways specific cultures mark a loss, and to report their findings back to the group. They can research funeral rites, the various ways All Saints Day is celebrated (or as in the U.S., the day before, Halloween), or even rites of passage into different phases of life, such as a young person's entry into adulthood. During their research, ask the teens to consider whether or not all losses are sad, and how the traditions change over time. Can they find examples of cultural practices that think of loss as more of a transition, or even a celebration of what is to come?



2. From continent to continent, and nation to nation, average lifespan and causes of death can vary greatly. Teens can learn more about the issue of hunger by reading You Would Never Know.



3. For teens who want to continue thinking or researching the topic of loss, especially related to death, you may want to suggest the following resources:




Resources

Books
Emako Blue, by Brenda Woods
As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner

Film
Max and Mona. South Africa. 98 mins. (2004) Not rated. Directed by Teddy Mattera. Max Bua, 19, from a South African farm community, has inherited his grandfather's talent for mourning. He cries at gravesites as part of a long-held tradition to help the living heal when someone dies. When he travels from the country to enroll in medical school, he arrives too late. He seeks help from his Uncle Norman but the two become entwined in a comedy of errors, forcing Max to use his gift of crying to pay off debts and to find his traveling companion, a lost goat named Mona. (This film will be available for rent or purchase in February 2007.)

Web
Resource list on death and dying in art, literature, and film: mchip00.nyu.edu

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