Breaking Free From OCD
Sarah Henderson, 18
Alberta, Canada
I can't remember when I first started showing symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, since I've always been a real worrier. I'm very sensitive and always have been, but by the time I was 12, worrying had become more than a quirk or an annoyance. It was an obsession.
I worried about everything, even things that didn't involve me. The constant stress started to take its toll, and I began to develop physical symptoms—I'd get headaches, stomachaches, and nosebleeds, and would sometimes even faint. I became obsessed with perfection, and believed that if something wasn't done "right, " terrible things would result and affect my family and friends. I started complicated rituals and regimens as a form of "protection," and did them over and over again each day. Windows, doors, locks, stairways, our oven and stove—everything had to be checked and checked again, or else I couldn't get to sleep. I'd check my homework, exams and assignments over and over again.
Everything had to be done in a specific way, which caused some difficulty at school. I'd make and copy long lists of things that needed to be checked, and would sometimes even recite them out loud. I even started to worry about my friends, and would get very upset when I realized that I couldn't control other people—their actions and choices weren't my responsibility and I knew that, but I couldn't stop myself from obsessing over them. By then, I knew that something was wrong, but I was too afraid to say anything. I didn't want people to think that I was crazy. My self-esteem, which has never been really high, hit an all-time low. I was miserable.
I first heard about obsessive-compulsive disorder while in my first year of high school, after reading an article in a magazine—everything that I did was in there! Reading that article finally gave me the confidence to talk to somebody. I went to my school's guidance counselor, who sent me to my doctor, and in January of 2004, I was officially diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive and general anxiety disorders. My doctor put me on medication, and suggested that I see a psychologist—an idea that I absolutely hated at first. I didn't really want to tell anybody about my experience, let alone a complete stranger! It took a few sessions, a lot of work and a lot of support, but I was finally able to open up.
These days, I'm doing a lot better. Definitely not perfect, but I'm learning how to relax and take things one step at a time. I take voice lessons and dance classes, and spend a lot of time arguing with my sister over what to watch on TV. I love hanging out with friends and I spend my weekends working. It's important for others to know that people with OCD and similar disorders are perfectly normal, intelligent, unique people and shouldn't be thought of in any other way. Even though it was hard at first, I'm a lot happier now and I'm no longer embarrassed or ashamed about my OCD.
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