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Indestructible, Incredible, Individual...INDEPENDENT!
Online Feature Editors:
Jatara Gray, 15
Shaquawna Pendermon, 16
Daviean Charles, 17
Massachusetts
Some people confuse being dependent with depending on a partner or a good friend. You are dependent on a person if you feel that
you need her/him so much that you put that person's feelings before yours, you can't enjoy activities without her/him, or you avoid conflict so that you
won't upset her/him. You are so afraid of losing this person that you don't stand up for yourself, even if you are right. At first, it doesn't seem like a big deal to try
and please that person, but as time passes you have a list of rules that you begin to obey. You may believe that no one else can make you happy and
you will do anything to hold onto the relationship. Dependency is headed straight into an abusive relationship.
On the other hand, depending on a friend or a partner is part of a 50-50 relationship. In this relationship there is real trust.
You care about the other person's feelings, but still will not neglect yours. Both partners know that they must have their own space and
free time. Each partner has her/his own friends as well as friends together and can decide what to do without constantly checking in.
There is an understanding that if the relationship doesn't work out, you could go on with your life. You will be sad, but eventually
you'll know that it was the right thing to do.
Veronica and
Natalie's
writings are important messages because they both relate to the differences between being dependent and depending
on your boyfriend or girlfriend in your relationship. Natalie realizes that she allowed someone to hurt her because of her dependence
on his love, and she had to learn to walk away. Veronica gives positive advice about how to have a relationship and still be strong and
make your own decisions. In her particular example, she writes about a male and female relationship; however, we think that this essay
can apply to same-sex relationships as well as friendships.
Just as you may become dependent gradually, you can become independent gradually. Begin by thinking about who sets the rules in your
relationship and what they are. Are you putting up with things that make you feel bad? Open a conversation about one of the rules and
explain how it makes you feel and come to an agreement about fairness. If you are too dependent on your friends, try doing something
by yourself once a week. You might be surprised how good it makes you feel even if it is difficult at first. Respecting your own
feelings is the way to become independent.
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Can you relate to what these writers say about dependency? Have you ever had to struggle with maintaining your independence in a relationship?
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For More Information
•Ditch That Jerk: Dealing With Men Who Hurt And Control Women, by Pamela Jayne
•GirlWise: How to Be Confident, Capable, Cool, and in Control, by Julia Devillers
•National Domestic Violence Hotline,
1-800-799-SAFE
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