My Story of Self-betrayal
Victoria Baldwin
New York
How could I have done that? All my life I had been told it was bad for you, it can kill you, and it can kill the people around you. But I did it anyway. I tried it. I wanted to be that rebel child that I saw in so many others but I knew I could never be. I wanted to look bad, act bad, be bad. The whole thing was, I wasn't bad. I just couldn't be like that; it just wasn't me.
I did it to fit in. I can tell you that now. I probably could have even told you that then. I knew what I was doing; I knew the consequences, and yet I still did it. I thought that they would like me better if I did it, if I could be just like them.
So I finally tried it. It wasn't that bad really, but to tell you the truth, I really didn't understand what they got out of it. It didn't do anything for me, but I figured that in time it would. And so I kept on doing it. I knew how bad it was for me, but I just wanted to fit in so badly. I kept it up almost every day, hoping beyond hope that this would get me accepted, and finally I was. I had achieved my goal. I had friends. Maybe in my heart, deep down inside of me, I knew the real reason for this. But I also knew that I couldn't let it get to me.
I let it go on for months, let them think that I was like them in every way. But deep down in my heart, I knew that I wasn't, and no amount of time could change that. I would always be me, whether I liked that me or not.
I finally met someone who liked me for who I was. He gave me the courage that I needed to pull away, to stop, to tell them that this wasn't me, that the real me didn't want to do this. He taught me that someone who really cares about you would never let you hurt yourself or pretend you're someone else. I learned that these people really weren't my friends, because if they were, they would have accepted me for who I was. Instead they made me believe that they cared, that I had friends, that this was the real me. All because I was too weak to stand up and say no.
Masks
(Anonymous)
I carry a paint set
wherever I go
to make a mask that covers up the scars
of who I really am
My world is full of lies
a play which only I see
please be patient, my dear reader,
as I rip off one mask at a time
to show you the real me
A mask for friends
so I'll be what they want
strong not weak
outgoing not scared
Another is for kids at school
to be what they expect
morbid not preppy
disturbed not sane
A family mask
which I must mutate
day by day
respect not hate
love not argue
hide when the tears fall
A mask for the enemy
I hide from all but thee
for I have shown you
a glimpse of the real me
Now the last painful mask of all
the mask I show to only me
I tell myself
I like who I am now
and what I've become
Behind all the masks
is a terrified teen
who just wants to fit in
to be liked by most
and forgiven by her enemies
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Have you ever done something out of peer pressure that you regretted later on? Did you feel like you had betrayed yourself? What did you do about it?
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