What the heck is “relational aggression?”

Relational aggression is aggression acted out in social relationships. It usually occurs when a person humiliates others to “get ahead” in social status (looks, dating, popularity, etc.). For example, a girl who commits relational aggression may try to damage another person’s friendships so she can appear more popular. Girls really value intimacy, so wrecking friendships is the easiest way for them to hurt each other. Just because girls aren’t hitting others doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting others. Society tells girls to be ‘nice’ so girls express their anger undercover: they gossip, exclude others, spread rumors, harass by blackmail, spread secrets, and ruin other people’s friendships.

Why should you care?

Victims of relational aggression and the bullies who engage in it have a high chance of suffering from psychological problems such as depression, social anxiety, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts both as teens and as adults. Childhood and teenage bullies may even become physically violent in adulthood. Girls who experience relational aggression as teens may also find it hard to trust other people down the road. This is bad news because psychologists have shown that having strong friendships is important for mental health.

The Current Too Strong

Kate Fitzgerald, 15
Missouri

As I sail down the river
I dip my hands in the cool water
I float and linger
wishing I would never leave
until the current got too strong.

They are conniving*
and manipulating,
spoiled and disrespectful,
but they get what they want.
Believe me.
They get what they want.
Because they are mean.
Mean girls.

I wish, just once, that someone
someone could show them
how things really are
and put them in their place—
a place they’ve never been.

I’ve tried to find the right time
to build up the courage to do it,
but the thought diminishes
and I can’t.
I just can’t.

But if I told them
this feeling
they would laugh
like I never meant anything
and snicker and talk
behind my back
like I can’t hear.
Or see.
Or feel.

The river is moving too quickly.
Not enough time
to grab onto rocks or branches
to pull myself to shore.
The current moves too quickly.
Too quickly.
And I’m stuck
in the water
and mud.
And I cry
along with the river
with the current too strong.

*Conniving: plotting or scheming behind someone’s back

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