Let's Talk About Sex! It's Your Decision
Section Editors:
 
Nyree Rogers, 16 (left)
Sasha Smith, 15 (right)
Massachusetts
Having feelings about sex and having sex are two very different things. Read on to get some insight from other teens like you.
Dear D,
I am 16 years old and I have a lot of problems with my boyfriend. We have been going out off and on for about 2 months now. He wants me to lose my virginity to him but I don't want to. He just doesn't understand me. Can you help me?
—Kelly, 16
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy out there. I am in 'high school love' with him and we have been going out for 9 months. I slept with him, and now I feel like all he wants to do is get in my pants and under my shirt. But at the same time I feel like he loves me and cares about me. Did I do the right thing?
—Nikki, 16
There is this boy who likes me. This wouldn't be a problem except that he's older than me. Another problem is that he keeps on asking me to have sex with him. I tell him no but he won't stop asking. What should I do?
—Tiffany, 17
Dear Kelly, Nikki, and Tiffany,
Sex can be a confusing and complex issue in any relationship, no matter how old you are. A lot of guys have been influenced by the media to view women only as sex objects without individual feelings and opinions. However, we as young women can learn how to communicate clearly when we do and when we don't want to have sex. A healthy relationship is all about give and take on both sides. And every girl should know that she always has the right to say "No!"
Sincerely,
—D
Decision making
The teen sexual health information site sexetc.org states that "Making a mature sexual decision means being willing and able to do some clear thinking about wants, needs, values, feelings, and the ability to handle possible consequences of your actions. If you do this, you'll feel better about your decision—whatever it is." In deciding whether or not to have sex, it is essential to spend some significant time by yourself thinking about all the pros and cons of sharing your body with someone else. Sex comes with a lot of emotional attachments and may result in unexpected feelings.
"If you find yourself with many questions about sex, then chances are you should wait."
Kelly, your letter has enough in it to indicate the relationship with your boyfriend might not be stable enough for you to start a sexual relationship. Keep in mind that the physical act of intercourse is different from intimacy; intimacy is the feeling you get with someone who wants to understand you and, most importantly, respects you. Having sex without intimacy means you may end up stressed and regretting decisions you make. You should definitely trust the person you want to have sex with, since we're talking about something that affects your body as well as your heart. Generally, if you find yourself with many questions about sex, then chances are you should wait!
Are you sure?
Everything in life comes with a consequence, and sex is definitely one of those things!!! The possible consequences of unprotected sex include unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STI)*, HIV/AIDS*, emotional distress, and other stresses on your relationship. So is it worth it? This is a question only you can answer, and it should be answered honestly. Start by taking our quiz on the next page.
Is there someone you can talk to about this decision? Many teens feel uncomfortable talking to their parents about sex, but you may actually be surprised at how understanding some parents are. If you absolutely know you don't want to have this discussion with them, try talking to another trusted adult like a school counselor, teacher, mentor, sibling, or other family member. Also see the helpful resources listed on the next page.
Communication is key
Once you've made your decision, you should let your partner know exactly what your feelings are towards sex. They can't read your mind, you know!! It's usually best to let them know from the start so that throughout your relationship you can continue to discuss your feelings and share any confusion and fears you may have with that person. Also, ask them how they feel so you can both come to an agreement on your physical relationship. And, Nikki, even after you've started a sexual relationship communication is still really important. That's what long-term relationships are built on.
Saying "No!"
Kelly, always remember you have the right to say "no" at any time. If you feel uncomfortable or doubtful about sex and decide against it, you have the right to say "no" at any and all times, even if you're about to have intercourse or have already agreed to it. If your partner continues on with having sex despite you telling them "no," this is definitely when you need to get out or yell for help. Remember that your body is yours and it's your right to choose who you want to share it with. If your partner keeps hassling you about sex then maybe it's because he/she doesn't want you, he/she just wants your "goodies." You deserve to be with someone who sees you for who you are and not someone who uses you for your body.
*STI: Sexually transmitted infections can be passed from one person to another during sexual contact.
*HIV/AIDS: Human Immunodeficiency Virus and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. HIV is a sexually transmitted virus that eventually destroys the body's immune system and is called AIDS in its advanced stages.
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What do you think you need to know before you are ready to have sex?
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For More Information
The Inside Story On Teen Girls, by Karen Zager, Ph.D. and Alice Rubenstein, Ed.D.
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships, by Ruth Bell
Sex, Etc.
sexetc.org
Planned Parenthood
www.teenwire.com
Sources:
The Inside Story on Teen Girls, sexetc.org.
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